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The Bachelor<\/em><\/figcaption>Image: ABC<\/figcaption><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\nFew long-running reality shows adhere to their rhythms and rituals more tightly than ABC’s Bachelor<\/em><\/span>\/<\/em>Bachelorette<\/em><\/span> <\/em>franchise Every few months, like clockwork, a crop of 20-30 20-30-somethings\u2014all with very shiny teeth, and job titles like \u201cExecutive Executive\u201d or \u201cProfessional Thinker\u201d\u2014are paraded in front of the people of America for cursory perusal, before being shipped off to one of the show’s various compounds so that we can all wait for them to do something romantic or, possibly, racist. All are, ostensibly, in the market for love, and have thus decided to pursue that romantic aspiration via a high-intensity reality show that has produced exactly 6 ongoing romantic relationships in its 20-plus years of operation. (That’s not us being cynical; them’s the stats.)<\/p>\nFor the heartless and unloved like us, trapped on the outside of this glorious amorous treadmill, the arrival of a new batch of Bachelor <\/em>contestants can mean only one thing: Poring over the show-provided biographies of each of these 30 new contestants to find the whackest thing in each of them. (There’s always something<\/em>; the writers who condense contestant interviews into these little tidbits have a weird knack for including some space alien element in almost all of them.) We also, typically, place that kind of scrutiny on The Bachelor <\/em>himself, although in this case, we don’t have to: We already know that new bachelor (and former Bachelorette <\/em>contestant) Zach Shallcross is the nephew of actor Patrick Warburton<\/span>which means that marrying him means you might have Thanksgiving one year with Puddy\/Kronk, and nothing could possibly be weirder than that.<\/p>\nSo, here you have it: The 30 women who will be fighting it out for Shallcross’ heart, as identified by their ages, their hometowns, and, most importantly, the weirdest thing we could find about them. Which, we hasten to add, we did not make up. We know it sounds like we made some of these up! If you want to confirm\u2014and see what these women actually look like, and read about how they really are there for the<\/em> right reasons\u2014<\/em>you can click over to variety<\/em>‘s rundown<\/span>.<\/p>\nAnyway, here goes:<\/p>\n
\nAly, 26, Atlanta: \u201cAly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.\u201d<\/li>\n Anastasia, 30, San Diego: \u201cHas always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.\u201d<\/li>\n Ariel, 28, New York: Seems fairly normal, although we don’t know why she had to specify that she \u201cdoesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstance.\u201d<\/li>\n Bailey, 27, Nashville: Fairly normal bio, but thinks The Bachelor <\/em>is \u201cthe perfect place\u201d to find \u201cthe one,\u201d which is just deeply depressing.<\/li>\nBecca, 25, Burbank: Becca’s bio begins with \u201cBecca is incredible,\u201d which is a real Bachelor <\/em>biopower move.<\/li>\nBrianna, 24, Jersey City: \u201cBrianna created her own language as a child.\u201d<\/li>\n Brooklyn, 25, Stillwater: All of the sentences in Brooklyn’s bio are about how she wants to be a professional rodeo racer, except this one<\/em>: \u201cBut now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she custom designs teeth for life-changing dental procedures.\u201d<\/li>\nCara, 27, Pittsburgh: \u201cCara is not a good cook, but she is great at ‘assembling meals.’\u201d We are excited to find out what this sentence means, and hope Zach brings it up early and often.<\/li>\n Cat, 26, New York: \u201cCat LOVES hot dogs,\u201d emphasis The Bachelor<\/em>‘s.<\/li>\nCharity, 26, Columbus: \u201cCharity wants to move to Disneyworld one day,\u201d which, combined with the next factoid\u2014\u201cCharity throws a mean ax\u201d\u2014has already written half of our next screenplay for us.<\/li>\n Christina, 26, Nashville: \u201cConsiders herself a grandma to her daughter’s pet turtle.\u201d<\/li>\n Davia, 25, Charleston: Sometimes the placement of these blurbs are like little short stories. For instance: \u201cDavia could live on oysters,\u201d followed immediately by \u201cDavia says she can out-burp anyone.\u201d<\/li>\n Gabi, 25, Pittsford: Gabby \u201chopes to own her own Pilates studio one day\u201d despite already being an \u201cAccount Executive,\u201d a very impressive Bachelor<\/em>-sounding job.<\/li>\nGenevie, 26, Baltimore: Genevie \u201cfears animals that are larger than her.\u201d<\/li>\n Greer, 24, Houston: Greer is \u201ca sucker for forehead kisses,\u201d which is technically sweet, we guess.<\/li>\n Holland, 24, Boca Raton: \u201cHolland’s favorite TV show is The Bachelor<\/em>,\u201d which we feel should be grounds for immediate disqualification from this show.<\/li>\nJessica, 23, Winter Springs: Were we <\/em>one of the youngest contestants on a dating reality show with a historical issue with age gaps, we might not open with \u201ccould play Bananagrams all day and never get bored\u201d as an introductory fact.<\/li>\nKaity, 27, Austin: \u201cKaity enjoys swimming but hates that sharks may be swimming underneath her.\u201d<\/li>\n Katherine, 26, Tampa: \u201cPeople tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.\u201d all <\/em>the time. It’s annoying, really! Gosh, she wishes they’d stop.<\/li>\nKimberly, 30, Los Angeles: Seems so normal it’s almost suspicious. \u201cLoves old-school hip-hop.\u201d What is she hiding?<\/li>\n Kylee, 25, Charlotte: Her celebrity crush is \u201cJimmy Garroppolo,\u201d which is apparently a real person, and not just what you’d get if you woke a drunk person out of a solid sleep and asked them to name an alt-comedy it girl from the early 1990s.<\/li>\n Lekha, 29, Miami: Lekha’s bio mentions her parents had an arranged marriage, but doesn’t clarify how they feel about ceding the all-important matchmaking duties to the Disney Corporation.<\/li>\n Madison, 26, Fargo: \u201cMadison dislikes ALL sauces,\u201d emphasis The Bachelor<\/em>‘s.<\/li>\nMercedes, 24, Bloomfield: \u201cMercedes’ hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair\u201d and she \u201cloves to drive around with the windows down, blasting country music.\u201d Mercedes sounds like a hoot, honestly.<\/li>\n Olivia L., 24, Rochester: \u201cWatching Grey’s Anatomy<\/em> inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.\u201d<\/li>\nOlivia M., 25, Cincinnati: \u201cOlivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.\u201d<\/li>\n Sonia, 29, Long Island: We could focus on Sonia being \u201cobsessed with Elvis,\u201d but we’re too distracted by her desire to raise \u201cthree golden retrievers\u201d at the same time. Jesus Christ, that sounds exhausting.<\/li>\n Vanessa, 23, Baton Rouge: \u201cGrowing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.\u201d<\/li>\n Victoria J., 30, Fort Worth: Victoria \u201cdoesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson,\u201d which is the meanest burn on The King of Staten Island<\/em><\/span> <\/em>we’re likely to find in these bios.<\/li>\nViktoria E., 29, Vienna: \u201cViktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.\u201d Every woman’s gotta have a code.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThe Bachelor <\/em>returns for its 27th season on January 23.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The BachelorImage: ABC Few long-running reality shows adhere to their rhythms and rituals more tightly than ABC’s Bachelor\/Bachelorette franchise Every few months, like clockwork, a crop of 20-30 20-30-somethings\u2014all with very shiny teeth, and job titles like \u201cExecutive Executive\u201d or \u201cProfessional Thinker\u201d\u2014are paraded in front of the people of America for cursory perusal, before being …<\/p>\n
30 new Bachelor contestants, 30 new weird-ass contestant bios to fixate on<\/span> Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n30 new Bachelor contestants, 30 new weird-ass contestant bios to fixate on - harchi90<\/title>\n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n\t \n\t \n\t \n